Music Muses
by Gigi13
Summary: (formally titled 'Fighter') stand alone songfics involving Sarai thinking about about people in her life. This goes along with all my other Sarai stories.
1. Holtz

Fighter

Disclaimer: I own Sarai, Joss and Christina Aguilera own the rest.

A/N: This is a stand alone Sarai story I thought of while listening to the radio the other day. It takes place somewhere between 'It's A Girl' and "It's a Slayer'(which the final chapter of should be done and posted by the end of the week.) Basically Sarai hears the song "Fighter" by Christine Aguilera and thinks about Holtz. Everything in **bold** is the song lyrics, the beginning in _italics_ is my little narration, and everything else is Sarai's thoughts.

****

_Sarai was bored out of her mind, it was raining and there was nothing to do so she decided to turn on her stereo and listen to music. That's when she heard a song that reminded her very much of her feelings towards Holtz:_

**When I, thought I knew you  
Thinking, that you were true  
I guess I, I couldn't trust  
'Cause your bluff time is up  
'Cause I've had enough  
You were, there by my side  
Always, down for the ride  
But your, joy ride just came down in flames  
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm**

He acted like he cared.....kind of. He taught me how to fight, taught me how to stay alive. Eventually he had me convinced. I thought maybe, he did care. He didn't. The only thing he cared about was Angel, and making sure I hated him. That's why he did everything, took care of me, trained me, kept me alive. So he could use me to hurt Angel.

**After all of the stealing and cheating  
You probably think that I hold resentment for you  
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong  
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do  
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through  
So I wanna say thank you  
  
**He robbed me of a childhood. Of a life of being surrounded by people who really cared. But most of all he took me from Angel, who would've taken care of me out of love, not revenge. But its ok. I am not going to hold on to it, to be vengeful and spiteful, because then I'd be just like him. On the bright side now whatever happens to me seems like small potatoes compared to what he did.

**'Cause it makes me that much stronger  
Makes me work a little bit harder  
It makes me that much wiser  
So thanks for making me a fighter  
Made me learn a little bit faster  
Made my skin a little bit thickerMakes me that much smarter  
So thanks for making me a fighter  
Oh, ohh  
  
**I know better now, I know better then to trust someone else before I trust myself. I can trust myself now. I can trust Angel now. Thanks to you I am able to see humans are able to cause as much pain as demons. That they can be just as devious and careless.

**Never, saw it coming  
All of, your backstabbing  
Just so, you could cash in  
On a good thing before I realized your game  
I heard, you're going around  
Playing, the victim now  
But don't, even begin  
Feeling I'm the one to blame  
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh  
**

**  
**He had the perfect set up, I'll give him that. He got what he wanted he convinced me to hate Angel because he was a vampire and he kept me from seeing what he was; man with a vendetta. Actually he called it 'justice', and I call that bullshit. If anyone asked him he'd say he raised me as his own daughter to make up for the fact that he never got to raise his own because Angel killed her, turned her into a vampire. If anyone asked me however, I'd say the truth. He didn't raise me like a daughter, he raised me like I was a plan. Angel turned his daughter into a vampire, so what'd he do? He made me into a monster, just to piss Angel off. I get he was in pain, he missed his family but that's no excuse for all that 'eye for an eye' crap. There's a fine line between justice and vengeance and he crossed it, big time.

**After all of the fights and the lies  
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore  
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over  
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture  
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down  
So I wanna say thank you  
  
**Now I know what I am capable of; everything. There's nothing I can't handle because he already put me through everything. Most of all I realize that I don't have to handle everything. I can have someone else help me; Angel. Its because of him I know I can trust Angel, because Angel's nothing like him. He's not my father, not my enemy, he isn't anything to me. Not anymore. I am done with him.

**Cause it makes me that much stronger  
Makes me work a little bit harder  
Makes me that much wiser  
So thanks for making me a fighter  
Made me learn a little bit faster  
Made my skin a little bit thicker  
It makes me that much smarter  
So thanks for making me a fighter **

I fought for a new way, a new life with love, laughing, joking, relaxing, people who care, people who can be trusted and I did because I wanted better then what you gave me and I couldn't be happier I did.. 'So thanks for making me a fighter. '

A/N: How was this? Please review. I am tempted to do one of her thinking about Angel(using a different song of course) but I am not sure if I should....what do you guy think?


	2. Angel

"On The Way Down"

A/N: Ok here it is a Sarai songfic POV of Angel. Again the lyrics will be in bold and the beginning is italics is narration. The rest is Sarai. Oh yeah and the song is "On The Way Down" by Ryan Cabrera.

_Sarai was getting fed up. She had been hitting the 'seek' button on the remote to her radio for over 90 seconds and she couldn't find a single song. She swore it must be a conspiracy, all the radio people get together and decide to take really long commercial breaks just to drive the listeners crazy. She wasn't going to give up though, so she continued her search for a song while uttering words under at her breath at the radio. Words that if Angel walked in and heard her say would make him go into his long and boring 'young ladies don't say....' speech maybe even followed by having a bar of soap shoved in her mouth, considering the level vulgarity the radio was making her use. Soon though she heard a song, a song that made her think about the person she was closest with; her father. _

**Sick and Tired of this world  
There's no more air  
Trippin' over myself  
Goin' nowhere  
Waiting  
Suffocating  
No direction  
And I took a dive  
And on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you  
  
**God I was out of control when I first came back here. On a one way path to self-destruct ville. My own worst enemy. I really was going down, until dad saved me. I never had some love me or even care for me until he did. Of course I didn't want to realize he did at first, but he made me see it. I had nothing, nothing but him to help me get on track.

**I've been wondering why  
It's only me  
Have you always been insideWaiting to breathe  
It's alright  
Sunlight  
On my face  
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive  
'cause on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you  
  
**Looking back, in my own way I was always like him. The way I acted, the way I talked to people. Then there's the other stuff; the fighting, both being alone and feeling like we don't belong anywhere. I don't feel alone anymore because I am not, and I do belong now, I belong to him and he sure as hell belongs to me. Even back when I thought he was evil and out to screw me over somehow, just like everyone else has, I must've know different inside. It's the only explanation as to why I've been able to last this long. I am happy now, I human now. Ok so I've always been human but I've never felt like it. I never really felt like anything, just some freaky prophecy thing until daddy made me realize differently.

**I was so afraid  
Of going under  
But now  
The weight of the world  
Feels like nothing, no, nothing  
**

I don't have to worry about failing, falling, being scared cause I have him to help me, to save me. I don't have to deal by myself. I don't have to fight the world anymore.

**Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
Down, down, down  
You're all I needed  
Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
You're all I needed  
And I won't forget the way you loved me  
  
**My whole life I wanted someone to care, honestly care not Holtz's screwed up version of the word. I wanted to be loved, I needed to be loved and supported. I wanted to be with my daddy, but not as much as I needed to be with him.

**All that I wanted  
All that I needed  
On the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you  
Down, down, down  
But I held onto you  
Down, down, down  
But I held onto you**

I'd given up on well...everything, everyone because everyone had given up on me, except for him. I didn't really give a damn, cause I had anything to lose, but he showed me I had everything to gain, all I needed to do was trust him. And I am glad I did.

A/N: how was this? Should I do more? I am thinking of maybe a reverse on in which it'll be Angel thinking about Sarai, but I am not sure. Also, if there's any other person you think I should have Sarai think about while listening to a song, let me know in your review.


	3. Cordy

Cordy

A/N: Okay here's another song fic about someone in Sarai's life. This time its Cordy and about how Sarai feels about her, about their relationship and the Cordy and Connor relationship (because remember, he used to exist. See the last few chapters of 'It's a Girl' if you need a refreshment on that topic.) The song is 'Substitute' by The Who. This chapter is in the same format as all the others are.

_Sarai entered Angel's office in search of finding him so she could annoy him. When she got there she saw her father was no where to be seen and Spike was passed out in one of his chairs holding an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Something told Sarai that the bottle was only recently emptied. She also heard a song coming from the stereo in Angels office. A song that made her think about Cordelia._

**You think we look pretty good together You think my shoes are made of leather But I'm a substitute for another guy I look pretty tall but my heels are high The simple things you see are all complicated I look pretty young, but I'm just back-dated, yeah **

Cordelia thinks she's my mother, she tries to act like she is, she tells me what do like I have to listen to her. She treats me like I am a child, her child. But I am not. I am a mother and its not her. Not that I really even 'need' a mother. I have daddy, that's enough.

**Substitute your lies for fact I can see right through your plastic mac I look all white, but my dad was black My fine looking suit is really made out of sack **

I don't even thinks she really likes me. Well ok, I know she likes me, as a friend or maybe a niece. But if she could pick out what her ideal daughter would be like; it wouldn't be me, because I throw fits, I curse, I get pissed off like 4 times a day, I have temper like my mother, like my dad... like Angelus(sort've ). And I don't mean that in a bad way. Not that I really give a shit, I am just saying half her little 'motherly' act is just a front to dad. And it works. She knows that if dad ever thought for a second that Cordy wasn't the absolute perfect choice for a stepmother she'd be gone. I could make that happen too. All I'd have to do is tell him that I want him to break up with her and he would. But I would never ever, ever do that because he's happy with her. And I want him to be happy. He deserves it.

**I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth The north side of my town faced east, and the east was facing south And now you dare to look me in the eye Those crocodile tears are what you cry It's a genuine problem, you won't try To work it out at all you just pass it by, pass it by **

I know she feels sorry for me, because of my childhood or lack of really. I can see it her eyes, she pities me. I don't want her pity, and I sure as hell don't need it. I'm not her. I saw the way she let people feel sorry for her after she woke up from her coma, and yeah that was a traumatic thing she went through but sorry, a part of me feels she deserved it. Huh, I can hear Dawn now if she heard what I was thinking 'Bitter Much?' she'd ask. And ya know what I think I'd say yes. Yes I am bitter. She hurt daddy last year. I don't know when Jasmine officially took over her body but something tells me it was after Cordy nailed the son of her now boyfriend. I know no one else remembers that, but I wonder if she does. I have this strange feeling she does and I think she even knows that I know she does. I remember that night. I too was standing near where dad was, he didn't know that at the time cause I was hiding, but I saw it. I saw the pain in his eyes as he watched the two of them. How could someone who claims to love a man have sex with his son? And I am not just talking about the ick factor here. But enough about that. That's in the past. I try not to think of that much.

**Substitute me for him Substitute my coke for gin Substitute you for my mum At least I'll get my washing done **

She can date my father for a long as she'd like, hell she can even marry him and move in one day - although I don't think Phantom Dennis would like that, he likes living with her and was sad when she was in a coma. Phantom Dennis is way cool....- just as long as she knows that no matter how close they are, when it all comes down to it he's MINE. Not hers, not my moms, not Wolfram and Harts, for damn sure not Buffy's, and not the world that he protects, he's my daddy as in MINE. She's not my mother, she never was and never will be. I have a mother and its not her. When my mother isn't here Cordy's just a substitute.

A/N: Ok how was that? I swear one day I'm gonna do the one about how Angel feels about Sarai, just as soon as the writers block on it goes away. However reviewing this might help with the block.


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